Life of a Failing Student

Sorry...

2010-11-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

I'm rubbish.

I also should really cancel this blog as I didn't fail my exams. I didn't go to uni, but not because I failed. I did better then was expected of me and now I am looking for better things. This is great news and my parents are very proud of me but it means I'm now stuck on a lonesome Gap Year with no one to talk to but my toes.

Since I am such a great list maker, I will write you all a list of the exciting things I have done on my three months of Gap Year so far:

1. Cried. A lot. But then I got over that.

2. Turned 19. Major anti-climax.

3. Got too drunk in Burberry at Vogues big night out and spent £250 on a top that I've worn once

4. Been to one of those "hip/happening" london parties that are in Hello, OK and Grazia. sitting at a table with Florence Welch was totally normal for me, not weird at all...

5. Visited Totoro in Brizzle

6. Watched more films then I can think of right now with Franz

7. Worked at the ski show for Snow and Rock

8. Got another job with Snow and Rock at The North Face in Victoria (come down and say hi, you can't miss me, I'm the only girl working there)

9. Booked a Ski Instructing course in Banff (Canada) for four months (I learn to teach)

10. Cried a bit more, but this time because I found a really funny website; damnyouautocorrect.com. I was a human ROFLcoptor. No lie.

I think I only find it funny because (don't judge) I got an iphone. I know. I'm one of them. A cunt.

I'm embarrassed now.

I also have the flu and was thus off work today so I should toodle pip.

Its nice to be back

I'm Preparing To Return To Failing Form

2010-06-08T02:02:00.000-07:00

A level numero uno is tomorrow kids, the biggy: a two and a half hour drama exam, I'm very very scared, I would really rather not fail.

Fortunately, I only have 3 exams not the 9 thats some poor sods have to survive. the downside of this of course is that I can kiss my social life goodbye as no one will come out to play with me until theirs are down.

selfish really

Finally, the Perfect Jeans

2010-04-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

I bought them from Topshop.commo on Tuesday and when I arrived home from collge today LOW AND BEHOLD, they were waiting for me with a smile. I have never worn a pair of jeans this unbelievably wonderful before, I have also been wearing the wrong size for the last three years, I'm more petite then I thought I was, apparently.

About two weeks ago, I got this pierced

The anti-helix (this isn't me), I love it but it is paining me from time to time.

Through my stalking of fashion bloggers, it has become apparent to me that wearing heals in public is acceptable and I should work up the courage

I'll keep an update

and I'll probably never do it.

Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego?

2010-04-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

So Kittens, my darling friend Smokey Bandit (he chose the name...forgive him, he's a baby) told me I need to do a top 5 stoner movies (I asked if that mean't movies to watch when you're lean or movies about smoking the bud and he replied EITHER!)

However, I thought that my judgement on movies of such an illustrious genre would be irrelevant, I am including for the first (and most likely the last) time someone else's thoughts on the matter...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, THE TOP FIVE STONER MOVIES IN THE OPINION OF SMOKEY BANDIT (super gay Wilf, super gay)

5. Knocked Up

Classic Apatow

the scenes with all the men are my favey

4. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

In all honesty and fairness, I have never seen this film

aren't they the blokes from clerks?

3. Pineapple Express

totally agree, this movie is the tits

2. Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies

Again, never seen it

I've seen the second one though

1. Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas

I have not seen the movie, but I've read the book and its fucking weird

so there you have it boys and girls, enjoy Smokey Bandit's favorite lean, mean, giggly machine films so light up, sit back and grab your cheetos

now the best TV for the munchies in my view, Heston's Feast is on

he's such a sexy devil

About Rosie Mary

2010-04-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

I like to wear black

I don't like cider

I like Folk music

I don't like Desperate Housewives

I like cuddles

I don't like Vegetarians

I like books

I don't like melons

I like company

I don't like La Roux

I like vampire movies

I don't like lasagna

I like mocking birds

I don't like pigeons

I like Dodo Pads

I don't like chocolate cake

I like my brothers

I don't like people

I like blossom

I don't like porridge

I like cartoons

I don't like facebook (but still use it religiously)

I like wine

I don't like Georgia Jagger

I like birds eye chicken dippers

I don't like offal

I like red hair

I don't like bees

I like the smell of petrol

I don't like Mogden

I like Roald Dahl

I don't like the Sea Side

I like Topsy and Tim

I don't like milk

I like Fennel

I don't like mannequins

Braille

2010-03-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks

She hadn't been a virgin an he hadn't been a God

So she named the baby Elvis

To make up for the royalty he lacked

And from then on it was turpentine and patches

From then on it was cold Cambells form the can

And they were just two jerks playing with matches

Coz thats all they knew how to play

Elvis never could carry a tune

She thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon

She was tracing her years with her fingers on her skin

Saying, well why don't I begin again

With turpentine and patches

And cold cold Cambells from the can

After all I'm still a jerk playing with matches

It's just that he's not around to play along

I'm still an asshole playing with candles

Blowing out wishes

Blowing out dreams

Just sitting here and trying to decipher

Whats written in braille upon my skin

-Regina Spektor

Marry Me Marcus Mumford

2010-03-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Seriously, J'adore

Brian, Beeb and I went to see them on Saturday at Shepherds Bush Empire; epic is the only way to describe it.

my two favorite songs are Roll Away Your Stone

and

Lover of the Light

oh, the latter might be the best thing I've ever heard in all of my life

if you must listen, do a youtube stalk and listen to the one that is live at Sidney Oxford Art House

coz the drumming is tres beau

I would Marcus Mumford bang me like his drum any day.

over.

Perhaps I'm Not Such A Failure...

2010-03-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

...in view of the fact that I just banged out two A's for my January exams. I feel I have upset my inner failure with the 100% I got in one of the papers.

But there is always the June exams to fail!

Hurahhh

peace out

Mac and Cheesey Goodness

2010-03-09T14:36:00.001-08:00

Why is food always better when its cold and a bit old?

To quote Johnny Flynn

"Leftovers is what what I want

Don't need no fine cusine

Give me a dime for a bacon rind

Or slip me some of that old sardine"

except I want cold pasta bake or mac and cheese

cheers

What The Fuck Are You?

2010-03-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here watching Ren and Stimpy on Mtv R. What. The. Fuck?

WikiWiki says "Ren Höek, is a psychotic "asthma-hound" chihuahua, and Stimpson J. Cat, is a dimwitted Manx cat."

That does not tell me ANYTHING about these characters

I don't like this

look at them, trying to be cute...racist domesticated animals

Failing Student Returns To Failing

2010-03-07T06:31:00.001-08:00

I recieved this lovely email from college today:

According to our records you have not yet completed the targets from November profiling you agreed to complete by key dates. Remember that these targets were agreed to help you achieve better grades. You should look at them soon – particularly if you have any examinations in January.

You must address the following targets:

'Meeting deadlines for Shakespeare Grid' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:DRA:B1. Current progress is 76%
'Get more done in lessons' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:DRA:B1. Current progress is 47%
'Attend rehearsals outside of college hours for Jan' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:DRA:B1. Current progress is 45%
'Draft devised coursework carefully and on time' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:DRA:B1. Current progress is 3%
'Re-read the novels we are studing' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:ENA:A3. Current progress is 0%
'Do outside reading on the gothic and the gothic texts' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:ENA:A3. Current progress is 0%
'More revision Attend the Revision Conference on Dec 4th and make sure you incorporate the advice into your revision ' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:SOA:E1. Current progress is 0%
'Work on my essay technique. we will preactice things like the 'deconstruction para' - this is important -for avoiding the 'write all you know' type answers that you are prone to' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:SOA:E1. Current progress is 0%
'Make sure your essays are thoroughly well researched using all the material at your disposal inc. the website and your textbook. Incorporate appropriate examples to illustrate your understanding of the points your make' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:SOA:E1. Current progress is 0%
'As for exam technique, focus upon the skill of evaluation - this is vital and we all must be able to do it explicitly in our essays. When revising -home in on points that describe the strengths and weaknesses of the research or theories etc.' should be completed by 05/03/2010 for class 2:SOA:E1. Current progress is 0%

This email has been automantically created. Please do not reply to this email.

Isn't that just smashing?

I have no idea how you change these targets and thus, my day is ruinneeed

peace out

Everything I Know, I Learnt From Family Guy

2010-03-06T04:32:00.000-08:00

Best thing I've ever seen in my life, ever

You Know What?

2010-02-26T01:28:00.000-08:00

Shut up Vanessa Hudgens, we don't care

No stake for me, thanks, I'm a Vampire

2010-02-25T04:27:00.000-08:00

It dawned on me today whilst driving home from college, I had an epiphany; I love Vampire movies. Here are a run down of my top 5

5. The Lost Boys

I think its an 8o's classic, however the plot is a bit blah.

I also love that the tag line is

"Sleep all day, Party all night,

It's fun to me a vampire"

4. Twilight

I'm actually only putting it for my sheer love of Kristen Stewart

...and the Patz

3. Blade Trinity

I confess, another slightly superficial one because I get to ogle Ryan Reynolds' abs...but I do love this film, mainly because of it's brilliant quotes;

"Kill you? Mother Fucker, I'll kill you!"

"That's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!"

2. Bram Stoker's Dracula

I properly love Gary Oldman as Dracula, its truly magical

1. Interview with the Vampire

fucking sick, no words needed

I love Vamp films

Peace My Lovas

Not Now Cricket, Don't Be Absurd

2010-02-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

Come to our play

I gaurentee a night of wild shenanigans involving Insects, Tramps, Fred Astaire and tap-shoes

You know you want to see it desparately

Plus

I'm a cricket

do it

Hills, Thistles and Battered Mars Bars

2010-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Evening all,

My friend, for privacy reasons we'll call her Brian, just raised a very interesting point; it seems as if everyone wants to go to uni in Scotland. I have nothing against the Scots, don't get me wrong any country that can breed something as beautiful as James McAvoy is just fine in my books. The only reason it saddens me is because they will be so far away and Scottish. On the plus side however, I will finally get to try a deep friend Mars Bar. I've been to Edinburgh three times now and I still havn't had one, apparently they're more Glaswegian...like Peter Capaldi. Thank goodness that my other friend (lets call her Paint Brush) got into Glasgow school of art so I can visit her and have one.

I realized earlier that a movie i have been looking forward to for almost a year now is coming out soon. I'm a super anime nerd. Studio Ghibli has a new movie out called Ponyo.

I got really excited and squirmy when I found out. Me and my friend (lets call her Totoro) are big Ghibli fans

and we will be front and center for the introduction of Ponyo the little fish girl.

Film4 is being good to me at the moment, last week I got James and the Giant Peach and tonight I get to put my feet up and watch Little Nicky. This movie is the boom boom pow and I suggest that if you have never seen it, climb out from under your fucking rock and swithc to plus one NOW and watch from the outset, and remember kiddies Popeye's chicken is fuckin' awesome

2010-02-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

Good Evening Star-shines,

I think I may have become one of those "shiny happy people" that R.E.M sing about; since my exams have ended I have transformed from that bitter and cynical shrew that I once was and am now nice.

Think from this

to this

miraculous eh?

But, this good mood may not last, I fear. I will need to be at college for the next 13 days. I know. tears flood down my cheeks but it is my own doing. I am involved in the college production, i play Mrs Cricket. Gay. Not even the re-dying of my flaming locks tomorrow will make me happy about this.

maybe I'm still a bitter and cynical shrew.

Blast

Bonne Nuit Mes Petits Oiseaux

Centipede, I do not know whether to kill you or kiss you

2010-01-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

Today, since all my exams for January are over and probably have been failed (bar one tomorrow, but Drama practical hardly counts), I decided to treat myself to a night beside my telly-box.

I found, to my sheer delight, that the 1996 Classic, James and the Giant Peach was on Film4. With glee, I googled it and found that Simon Callow is the Grasshopper which just made me love it even more if I'm perfectly honest.

I also made the gripping discovery that it was directed by Henry Selick, who was the puppety master behind Nightmare Before Christmas which has to be finding of the day and excited me to the absolute max.

This movie was one of my happy faves when I was a babe. It made me smile when I was blue. I think everyone is in general agreement with me when I say that the spider and the centipede were meant for each other. For the next dress up party I am forced to go to, the Spider will defiantly be my dress of choice as she might be the most beautiful arachnid in existence. Even if she is a puppet

In English Lit at the moment, we are studying Gothic literature. After reading Wuthering Heights (banging, and not just coz the heroine shares my name) I thought I should read more gothic novels to I tucked into Dracula by Bram Stoker. I like it. Lots. I have decided that Tim Burton should do a version. However, none of this CGI business that he seems to have fiddled into Alice in Wonderland. That would upset me. I want classic Burton, I'm talking Beetle Juice Burton.

Tim Burton produced James and the Giant Peach and Nightmare Before Christmas.

Fun fact to leave you with I thought.

Merry sleeps my lovelies

Rosemary

Numero Uno

2010-01-25T14:46:00.000-08:00

Good Evening Kittens,

This is the first Blog in the Life of a Failing Student. Tomorrow I have an exam and a gold star goes to whoever guesses how well the course is going.

If I manage a B or a C, and I can go to uni. Instead of revision today I have:

1. Watched the "Bacon is Good for me boy" four times on youtube

2. Thought up answers for my examiners e.g. "Margaret Thatcher once said that "there is no such thing as society", so really this exam doesn't exist so I don't need to answer any questions as there is no point"

3. Fallen in love with Malcolm Tucker and his profanities ("come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off")

4. Not revised for sociology

I left college at 11.50am, and had all day to revise. Unfortunately I have the attention span of a spaniel and did nothing.

more tomorrow, I do have an exam tomorrow after all

Rosemary